The Weekly Weep

Stories, reviews, and more from me and the rest of the Read it and Weep crew.


What Do You Think Dead People Are Up To Right Now?

Released: 05/26/17

If there's an afterlife, I hope people don't have to stay the age they were when they died for all eternity. That would be awful. The whole place would feel like the audience of regional theater: just a grip of old people slowly nodding off and a few dozen kids who aren't sure why they're being punished.


My Guilty Dis-pleasures

Released: 05/26/17

I still contend that "guilty pleasures" are almost always fake. It's just a cooler way of saying, "Thing I like but know is bad."

Dis-pleasures, on the other hand, are genuinely guilty. It takes bravery to admit you don't like things with universal acclaim. But since I'm very brave (except about spiders and phone calls and any kind of confrontation), here are a few things I feel genuinely guilty for not liking.


The Friend Zone

Released: 05/11/17

I'm sick of people complaining about being Friend Zoned. Obviously it's super misogynist to act like if you're nice to a woman, she's obligated to sleep with you. If you're the kind of guy who says "friend zone", you didn't get friend zoned. She hates you.


The Portland Mercury

I'm blog and write occassional cover stories for the legendary alt-weekly The Portland Mercury. Once, a post I wrote was quoted in Rolling Stone.


Alex Falcone's Things Not Invited Back in 2017

Released: 01/04/17

The Annual List of Things from 2016 that Were Just "No"


Things Not Invited Back in 2016 | General | Portland Mercury

Released: 01/01/16

2015 WAS SUCH a memorable year. 365 days, back to back. All full of stuff and things. Goings-on. Shenanigans. Oh, and there was that one moment! Wow. What a moment.

Okay, fine. I'm not great at positivity. The negative stuff, on the other hand, I can really get behind that.


How to Live Like a Baller in Portland (Even If You're Not Rich)

Released: 11/11/15

I ALWAYS ASSUMED I'd make my first million by 30. I put that goal out into the Universe over and over again, but either The Secret is total bullshit, or the Universe has been on vacation and forgot to create an out-of-office email reply. So here I am, in my golden years (early 30s), and my net worth is about a million dollars short of a million dollars.


Guest Posts

Sometimes I write things on other websites. People are much more likely to read them that way.


Top 11 Ways I Almost Died in 2014

Released: 01/07/15

For their annual List Issue, literary magazine Neutrons/Protrons invited me to share something important about the last year. I choose this nail-biter: my risky behavior.


The Recently Discovered First Draft of Robert Frost's 'The Road Not Taken'

Released: 12/03/14

This is a really weird thing I wrote. But I like it.


Falcone on Film

I write a column about movies for the Willamette Week. Apparently I agree with the Rotten Tomatoes critic average 74% of the time.


Six First-Persons I'd Rather Be In Than Hardcore Henry

Released: 04/06/16

Hardcore Henry is a first-person shooter made into a feature-length movie, filmed almost entirely by a GoPro strapped to director Ilya Naishuller's face. It's an interesting, if nauseating, concept. But of all the point-of-view shots in film history, why is one from the head of a mute, murderous cyborg running almost plotlessly around Russia the one that was stretched to a full 90 minutes? Instead, I'd rather live in one of these characters for a brief moment.


A Field Guide to the Many Hanks William

Released: 03/30/16

It's not a spoiler to say Hank Williams dies in his bio pic, since he was a real person and it happened in 1953. But I was a little surprised because I mistakenly believed the movie was about the Hank Williams who is still alive and making music. I'm sure you're not dumb like me, but just in case, here's a field guide to all the Hanks William out there.


Batman and Superman V Good Taste

Released: 03/27/16

Batman and Superman are fighting and somehow I feel like I'm losing.


Shows In Different Area Codes

My personal blog, mostly about life on the road doing comedy.


Photo 05/25/17

State Capitol put on its classiest LEDs to watch American Ninja Warrior. #Denver #nbc #AllChestNoLegs #showsindifferentareacodes — view on Instagram

Photo 05/23/17

My sister was way better than me at the American Ninja Warrior inflatable children’s course. #americanninjawarrior #obstaclecourse #showsindifferentareacodes — view on Instagram

Photo 05/23/17

My sister was way better than me at the American Ninja Warrior inflatable children’s course. — view on Instagram

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